Chapter Index Awakenings Re-awakenings First Channel Internal Conflict Accepting The Light First Voice Channel Yeswie and Aysla White Leaved Oak

First Channel

Anyway back to the burning question What was the point? Not just of life but what was going on in my head. Where did I fit into the plan? There was a lot of anger in me nothing felt as though my life had been blessed. It is easier here to relay my thoughts and the answers to them as I wrote them down on 2^nd February 1990 between 4.15 & 6.10 a.m. This was the first channel I was aware that I did before attending circle. (Channeled words in Italics.

I have had a rest for about 9 days. Not too much chatter from the old tart. (That is what I used to call Aiddrienne.) She knows I love her. I am on the path now I cant leave it, well not for long. A time for repose and settling down. Theres been a lot going on recently, I needed a rest. When I do have one of these times the strangest part is at the end. Its like every thing and nothing coming together at the same time. I know that all my emotions are coming out more, Im admitting them to myself, even those that I didnt think I had or more likely suppressed them subconsciously Melancholy, sadness, compassion, small touching things that people do now and then. I havent shed tears because of them but Im sure its not far away. Confusion the new understanding hell I dont know. Why all that anger during sleep last night. The dream 3.00 p.m. My dad sad " Even your sister has come to understand the ways of the lord and follow Jesus Christ. Why cant you be like us and stop being so childish." And I went at him with anger and venom. " Im not going to do things your way. Ive told you before I am on my path and dont need or want this condescending bunch of ideas about me and my god. I have traveled many paths to arrive here in this body, I will not allow any jumped up Christians to tell me that I dont know what Im doing." Wait wait wait. I want to ask questions please. I dont know what is happening. What is this anger? Yes you know what youre doing. But I dont, this isnt spontaneous anger it is strong powerful anger. Do I need this for my path? No but you need to understand and have the knowledge that you can use your energy anyway you choose. Is this to do with that yellow crystal? Yes. Although you associate fear with anger it does not always follow. The anger you now fear is fearful anger. The feeling you had in the dream was real anger. Like total happiness, total anger holds no fear. This is what you have been sorting out the past couple of days. You now no longer need to be afraid of fear. Neither do you need to be eager to not feel fear or anger, thinking that is wrong. Your anger in the dream was needed to balance. It also provides strength of will. You may not like the idea, but at times when it is necessary (and you probably wont know or understand at the time) that power will come through and you have the capabilities of being unstoppable. As you have known before the power which you have to keep calm and connected is the same power that can be released as anger when necessary. The two are the same. You have known this for years but because of fear you have not admitted it to yourself completely, The yellow crystal was a jogger to make you think. Who are you? I am the Godhead. What about Aiddrienne? Shes gone. What do you mean? Shes gone you dont need that relationship anymore, shes still there but you are just good friends. You have done well to get to me this fast you probably wondered what was going on? Yes its me, weve been apart for along time now. Youve seen me in many guises. You or yourself are the answer. Your thirst and quest is relentless, a young partisan. But I thought you were the bad bit. I was, because the power to you was too great and you automatically thought that it must be bad its big, like your anger. As you have seen tonight your anger is part of you as is your joy and exuberance, the power is the same its just you. I feel as though I have just gone in a massive circle. You have. Thanks a lot. How long a period? Eight years. You needed this to time to know, you would not have believed us then. Remember its not wasted time, you have learnt much and burnt much karma. I know you dont hang much with karma but for you it doesnt matter, youll do it anyway its not something you need to worry about. Why do you think you are working tonight? Its now that you are able to tune in better. Dont be afraid you have learnt fast and your capacity never stops. You will try to block it but try not to. Remember you are and is and you will get there as you have got here. We wont bore you with systems, as we know you dont hang with those either, they are a tool and as you probably know by now you always seek the truth and the highest possible. You are a good soul my friend and a great individualist. May be we understand each other now. Your fear is only surface deep. I know you will question everything thats why we have come through to you, you will not deal with any shit to use your expression. You were angry last night because it reflects your anger for the way people regard us; it is not a dark thought. We appreciate this. You picked it up so we had to come through now, so that growth was not lost in believing that you were treading on the dark side. We love you as you are. Cut the crap please. Youre a hard one. Yes I know. In your dream you were not blaspheming against the Godhead, you were telling of some of he dogma and endless strife that surrounds us (as is made by earthly followings) that you had more respect and that you werent going to go around believing that we are untouchable and cannot de seen as normal. We are normal its just that most people want magic and a mystery you dont and that is to your credit. OK OK. I can understand some and can perhaps understand why I was feeling the way I did. Now what about Aiddrienne? I want her back. As Aiddrienne comes through to you, we come through to Aiddrienne. She is you guide. Thank you. However we are way above her. Well keep the feminine bit because we know you like it and it is not detrimental to you, in fact it helps you to balance. Remember you are brothers, mother, sisters and above all good friends. So we wont take her away, you can help each other. Thank God for that I thought I was going to loose her. If I have to I would, but I dont see the reason why. I love her and Id miss her terribly if she wasnt there. I think weve grown together even in the short period weve known each other. Charlie was the first, but she could not keep up with you as weve already explained. However you and Aiddrienne have forged a link, you like her and she you. I dont know what to say about all this. Dont say anything it will become apparent as we know you know. Thanks. Thats why you had a feeling last week that you shouldnt be here. Youd jumped through a bit early, so all that came out tonight had to be done quickly so that youd understand. You came here and you being you would not have let it go until youd found the truth out. Now you have it, well done. What do you mean well done I havent done anything? Ah but you have, youve been open. Your relationship with Aiddrienne will change as you are aware. Yes I am aware. It will become more real and you can have good conversations, although when important things have o be said we will come direct or through her, but you will know the difference as you knew tonight. Try not to be afraid or confused or upset. Aiddrienne is suited she will look after you. She loves you very much and understands your reality of her. We wish you well and will see you soon.

Who do you think you are? I thought to myself. What a load of egotistical rubbish. All this you have done well business and you have come through because of your power nonsense. Taking guides away, tricking me into this that and the other. Hang on though I must be doing all this myself how ridiculous. The concept of something outside my body or mind telling me things I didnt know, not only using my thoughts but my handwriting as well, very fanciful. All the channeling I had heard of up until now had been all love and light and save the planet stuff, which frankly made my feel sick. Airy-fairy imagery that lead you nowhere.

You can see from my attitude that I was not really a willing partner in this relationship to start with and I must have seemed very hard work. Many people around me were desperate to channel and I, who did not really give a toss was getting all this attention. The conversations after that first channel had more meaning because having written rather than spoken to me these guides became real. Some where from Aiddrienne and some from other perceived energies. Each time there was constant reassurances of being loved and being a good man searching for the truth. When I thought things were settling down everything would change. It felt as though I was being duped all the time constantly being tested and asked to test them and myself about everything.

One of the hardest lessons that I hard to learn was why it seemed I was always kept in the dark. Of course trust and faith were mentioned frequently, but that is not a good enough answer when you believe you are in control of you life. Why for instance tell me that I had lost the guide that I had just been given? Only to be told several sentences later that I could keep her. This is the a to c via b syndrome. To go straight from a to c lessons would lost at b, thus making it harder to gather the tools necessary for the next part of the journey. Sometimes the lesson seemed trivial mind games, like the one above, which brought me to an understanding of unconditional love although it was only a very shallow understanding. At other times later in my life, there were physical things I had to learn to be able to go onto the next part. These lessons could go on for a period of minutes or years. Until I had learnt and earned that particular portion of my path and why, the next task did not appear in any way, shape or form. Looking back at my journals it is easy to see some hints as to why something was happening at a particular time, this acted as a validation for me. Once I had grasped the concept of going with the flow and not worrying what I was supposed to be doing, but concentrating on the task in hand my life would flow much better.

After that first channel at the garage I was not too sure what was going on. Was it some other force writing or me, if it was the product of an over active imagination then it was still amazing. Would it be possible to replicate what had happened? I knew it had not been Aiddrienne, the energy had been different, so who was it? If someone unknown to me could write through me then could she write through me? There was only one way to find out.

My relationship with Aiddrienne was changing almost daily, she was no longer this mother superior figure who I was a little weary of, she had become more human in many ways. She started to talk of love and looking after me, she was very patient and persistent and I began to treat her like a friend. This I was not too sure about, I had always thought about ethereal beings as quite distant, not understanding physical things. Knowing how bereft I had felt when that other guide had told me that she was leaving me I felt our attachment was strong. It had not crossed my mind that the feelings would be similar to that of a real human relationship. Perhaps it would become clearer if she wrote something down in my book.

I started by writing down my thoughts and questions and then the things that I heard her say. Soon the writing flowed straight through my hand without me having to think. Without noticing, my writing began to change. Initially it was drawn out and spidery but as I got used to it the letters began to join up and eventually slant slightly forward. The following piece shows why I had to change my handwriting. She had just changed the energy that I felt when she was around.

I know I change I have many faces. Yes I can change my handwriting too. This is silly. No it isnt. Yes it is. But how will people know its me? People are not going to read this book. Ah but how do you know they might? You are trying to get me to do your handwriting arent you? Yes I am because I want you to know how real I am, lets try and get it right this time shall we? Whos bossy tonight then? I feel like showing you how real I am.

Now all you have to do is think of me and all will become apparent. I dont think this is working its... give it time it is important to you it will become a part of your handwriting. It is a bit childish now but in time if you persist you will get the hang of it. Remember you have to forget about your own handwriting and all of the blocks you are used to putting up when you have been writing. It may be hard at first, as you are experiencing. It does flow a lot better doesnt it? Im not too sure about that my handwriting seems to flow quicker. Of course it will you are used to your handwriting. Dont ask to me to try with my left hand. Oh please Phil. Yes thats better. Sod off Aiddrienne. I dont think its funny. Yes but look how interested its made you in your handwriting. Stop it youre trying to rush me again. Youve messed up my book. But I am a different personality to you surely you expect me to have different handwriting. Last night you told me not to talk in straight lines so Im not. No but I prefer my handwriting to yours. You might but using mine you slow down and it appears more feminine. Right now to my sloppy writing. Ive got to go and do my chores. Look youve even got me using your writing now. Im going to stop you smoking as well arent I? Well see about that. But Philip. Youre playing on me now so stop it. No I wont; you see how real I can be. Get my Bs right will you. Now try it again but better that time. My handwriting flows better than yours does, it will get more adult as time goes on. I dont understand the need for change. You will. One thing is for sure Phil I am not giving up so stoop trying to block my handwriting.

Look Aiddrienne I dont understand all it looks like is my handwriting joined up. Well in a way thats all it is, but its not your usual handwriting is it? Neither can you spell. Nor can you. This is getting silly again, I think youve proved how real you are for one night. Look Phil you asked for different handwriting and now youve got it. No I didnt it just happened. Yes it might have just happened to you but you need it this way. Because you use my handwriting you are not able to block so much, it is not the handwriting that matters. What matters is that I am allowed to talk freely do you see now? Yes I suppose I understand. It is only because we have this relationship that this happens. You see now you have gone back to your writing it does not flow so well or have so much meaning does it? No you are right you pain. You allow me to do whatever I like and that is very important to us you must trust me. This little exercise has proved this. Remember you are my reality and mine yours so whatever we do counts. I do speak better through you when you use my writing. This is our time and you will benefit from keeping it our time you can use all the power you know. I will refine the instrument as I get used to using your mind and arm, as you get used to me using it.

The automatic writing took off, Aiddrienne not only talked to me now, she was writing and signing her name. Not yet understanding I carried on writing, going to circle and working. I was learning all about me and why I did things. My visualizations became stronger and the energy was now more of a constant. I t still seemed like a game, not until the reality of what I was doing dawned did I start to question. Was this another force or was this me playing mind games? Either way I was going to let it run its cause just to see what happened. I would humor her or myself. My main reason for thinking it was not all my own doing was that I could not dictate when her writing was going to start or even if she was going to write again. And sometimes I was a little irritable when she started.

I am fairly old you know, thats better youre concentrating on what you are doing now. Hello Aiddrienne. This seems an odd state of affairs you know when, every time we have along conversation you seem to get closer. Well of course we will we are only getting to know eachother, it hadnt been that long you know. Well I suppose not. Weve a lot of catching up to do and my handwriting is getting better and more positive and less and less child like. Soon I shall have a set of my own. So you bloody think so do you? Yes you cant stop me, well you can but you dont want to, our growth together and as individuals is as important to you as it is to me and us. Oh yes your drinking habits are going to change, you just wont feel like drinking so much anymore. Im sorry Phil, but you have chosen this route and path. No dont say sorry, I knew it was going to come, it was inevitable. You do try and take all I say on board so easily and without too much hassle. I am trying my hardest, but Im not too sure about this not drinking and not smoking business, its a bit drastic. You yourself started the ball rolling, remember it was your first decision on Saturday morning, and you felt good about it. Oh I know but even so. Dont be afraid Phil nothing will happen that is going to do you any harm. Neither will you feel resentful, remember... I wish youd stop saying remember. Tuff, remember you are going to be doing things that require enormous concentration and having toxins in your body will not help. I am not saying that you not drink at all Im just saying that you will find that you have better things to do instead. We will be able to communicate better. I hate being told what to do but I know you are not going away so well try. Since last weekend, you are so much more in my head and more real, which I suppose helps me to discern between you and I. You not only need to communicate more but you also need to know when people are wasting your time. No you are not losing it dont be silly your rational mind does sometimes get the wrong idea and you dont understand. Because you are communicating so much it has become normal. Where once it felt odd and consequently you knew it was me now it is the normal. So it doesnt feel odd anymore that is all. You see now you have tapped into the power that everybody had at one time you are using it as you should, like any other sense, like seeing or tasting you just need practice which is what this is. Practice interpretation and the real work will begin so dont worry. You have confidence in me and your ability to talk to me.

At this point I felt as though I was getting bigger and changing inside. I could feel all my doubts in her fading. The lighting in the room had changed and I seemed to be looking down a tube into a bright sky or something. Was I really beginning to believe what I thought was perhaps just part of my imagination. Was I talking to part of another dimension, a spirit guide?

What a wonderful game it had been and I had quite happily gone along with it amusing my brain. The odd feelings of my body actually changing was not something that I had bargained for, it was a real shock to think that something had changed that I was very aware of and that I seemed not to have any control over. So, if it was really a spirit guide and not a part of me then presumably she could tell me things that I did not know already. I wanted to start painting again to earn some money but was having trouble becoming focused. Perhaps she could shed some light on the subject.

That did not really answer the question in the way that I had hoped which re-enforced the thought that this was not totally of my own being. If it were only me having a laugh with myself then surely I would have given myself a better answer. My reality was coming into question, if this was becoming a spiritual experience, was I ready for it? All my thoughts of God and the Christian church came flooding back to me. There had always been talk of false prophets and how wrong pagan beliefs were. Christians had always preached that the only way to God was through Jesus Christ, being brought up in that environment it was still my bench mark. The whole thing worried me, I could not just forget it and pretend that it did not exist.

 © Phil Ironside